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…and it doesn’t get up: “Olympus Has Fallen”
Olympus Has Fallen kicks off the summer movie season…sorta…I mean, it’s not even April yet, but what the hell. Think of it as palate-cleanser before the main course—not quite substantial enough to...
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A Real American Redux: “G.I. Joe: Retaliation”
Okay, so GI Joe: Retaliation. Yeah, here’s my experience with that movie. I went with a buddy of mine—a fellow Gunmonkey—and he basically boiled his expectations down as thus: “Dude, don’t sit next to...
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From the Mists of Time: “Assassin”
“From the Mists of Time” is a new, semi-regular filler feature based upon Sci-Fi Invasion, a cheapie DVD set of 50 films that was an impulse buy as I was killing time until it was a more respectable...
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What Went Wrong? “Stick”
This one is just sad. No, not the movie—it’s not good, but not terrible—but what’s on display in the movie. And that is Burt Reynolds on the edge of his long fall from grace. Stick was made in 1984,...
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Wait, why did I watch this again? “8 Million Ways to Die”
I’m not sure why I watched this movie, but hey, why does anyone do anything, right? Yeah, humanity is just one big unknowable riddle, but then, that’s also what makes us so amazing. We are unlike...
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Tom Cruise is the future (and L. Ron Hubbard does a happy-dance): “Oblivion”
Well, summer is here, and with it the first big action vehicle of the season. If Oblivion is a harbinger of the movies to come, then this summer will be…ah…I hesitate to use the word good,...
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Here be spoilers: “Oblivion” in review
Okay, so this review is more of a discussion of Oblivion for everyone who has already seen the movie or doesn’t mind it being spoiled. If you’re game, then click below. If not, just reread the first...
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Feeling the burn: “Pain and Gain”
It’s tempting to say that with Pain and Gain, Michael Bay has finally found a movie about as vulgar and excessive as he is…and I’m not going to resist the temptation. He has. He’s found his Holy Grail....
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This one is for all the teachers out there: “The Substitute”
Another school year is drawing to a close, and another class of students is advancing—maybe to a new grade, or maybe out into the world. The leave behind them scores of proud, satisfied teachers—men...
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This movie roxxx (if you see the movie, you’ll get it): “Iron Man 3″
Well, that kicked just about as much ass as there was to kick, didn’t it? I gotta admit, I didn’t go into Iron Man 3 with high hopes. It’s not that I set the bar low—quite the contrary. After The...
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Star Trek Roundup! “Star Trek: The Wrath of Khan”
In preparation for my review of Star Trek: Into Darkness, which will be posting soon, I’m re-posting a couple of previous Star Trek reviews. Live and long and prosper, amigos. Is Star Trek II: The...
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Star Trek Roundup! “Star Trek: Nemesis”
In preparation for my review of Star Trek: Into Darkness, which will be posting soon, I’m re-posting a couple of previous Star Trek reviews. Live and long and prosper, amigos. Okay, kicking off Reader...
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Star Trek Roundup! “Star Trek” (2009)
In preparation for my review of Star Trek: Into Darkness, which will be posting soon, I’m re-posting a couple of previous Star Trek reviews. Live and long and prosper, amigos. Now this is a summer...
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Go Boldly: “Star Trek: Into Darkness”
Finally, the new Star Trek movie. And it only took four freaking years! Hey thanks, J.J. Abrams, for taking time out of your busy schedule to make good on the promise of the franchise reboot. I mean,...
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Here be spoilers: “Star Trek: Into Darkness” in review
Okay, my initial review of Star Trek: Into Darkness (is there a colon in the title? It feels like there should be a colon) was a bit threadbare. Yeah, it’s hard to talk about the movie without getting...
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No one cares about all those AP courses you took: “How I Got Into College”
Every year around this time millions of parents throughout the country live on tenterhooks as the future of their children is decided by various groups of strangers in darkened rooms that smell of...
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Pure testosterone and adrenaline: “Fast and Furious 6″
Hey, Fast and Furious 6 is here! Yay! I’m totally stoked because, well, I’ve been using my brain a lot lately and you know what? It kinda sucks. It’s tough and not very much fun and it never results...
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Will Smith’s (family’s) ego attacks the world: “After Earth”
I’ve already chronicled the evolution of Will Smith’s ego into a sentient, malevolent force that visits misery such as Seven Pounds and The Pursuit of Happyness upon us. And, it should be noted, Smith...
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Pondering Superman: “Man of Steel”
Like pretty much every other carbon-based life-form, I saw Man of Steel last week (and to the few who didn’t: you really should check it out—don’t worry, He Who Walks Behind the Rows won’t mind), and...
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The end of the world is really boring: “World War Z”
Okay, so what’s up next this summer? World War Z? Wow, what a lousy movie. Crud! I’m supposed to build to that. Goddamn, I’m a bad reviewer after four beers. Okay, let’s start this again: World War Z...
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